Life... You always know how to grab me by the balls.

It's funny how you think someone is your friend. I feel like all the people that I think are "true" friends are just a waste of my time. I'm sure that my best friends or friends talk crap about me behind my back. But you know what that's ok because they know me and they are allowed to. I've done it about pretty much every one of my best friends or friends. It comes with the territory. What gives someone the right to talk about you behind your back when they don't even know you? I try to make friends with new people, and yes it's hard I'm busy all the time and I feel like I have two lives. I value every person in my life because I know they are there for a reason. But for people that I barely know I can say that I've never spouted any thing bad out of my mouth about them. I have a lot of secrets holed up. If you want I can throw those out there right now. Truth is I won't because I do value the friendship we have whether it be big or small. I'm hurt by the fact that people are still so petty about stupid fucking shit. I usually don't let things like this bother me. I probably wouldn't care so much, but the fact that I think of you as my friend is what kills me.

This argument of useless friendships has fueled me into so much more.......

I have heard of 3 suicides in the past two weeks. That's a little too much if you ask me. I don't get why people take that way out. It's so selfish. There is always someone out there that you can talk to. Whether it be a stranger or someone close to you. I won't lie about 8 or 9 years ago I tried to do the same thing. I hated myself so much at that time that being dead was just the easy route to go. I used to sit there for hours alone in my room carving away at my arms and my legs. The pain just felt so great and it was better to handle than what I was feeling inside. It is something that is so hard to even bring yourself to do but for me it was my escape. To me it was always easier to rid myself than deal with every thing going on in my life. I did eventually realize that no matter how bad my life is there is always someone out there that has it worse than I do. I have people in my life that I can talk to and people I know that love me uncontrollably. I wish those people that I know of knew the same thing. There is always someone in your life for a reason.

This whole weight loss thing is killing me. I know I haven't don't much in the past couple weeks, but I'm coming around. I really have to kick it back into gear and go back to the gym on a regular basis. I do think of myself as overweight and fat. And yes I know there are people out there that tell me I'm not or I'm looking for attention. Even though there are 10 pounds I would like to lose to me that is a lot and it's a milestone if I manage that. I used to be anorexic and also bulimic. I always have tendencies to just want to fall back into that because it was just easy to deal with . Of course I know how damaging that is to you mentally and physically, but it's an easy escape. I know I'm not a giant cow, but just like I tell everyone you don't see me naked and you don't see the things that I see wrong. I hate how I look in clothes that used to be so adorable on me. I just feel disgusting and it's so depressing. I hate when I have to look cute to go some where because I don't feel that I am. It's annoying and I need to get myself on the right track.

Still I am so annoyed by this whole wedding thing. Honestly I am happy for my friends that are engaged or married, but when will it be my chance. It's funny how as a little girl I always had this time line of when I wanted to be married and have kids. I have missed that by a lot. People keep telling me my time will come or why do you want to be married or have kids? Umm cause I do. I want to share my life with someone as I hope someone one day will want to do the same with me. I want to have that one beautiful day that most people I know have had or will have shortly. I want to love someone uncontrollably and have them feel the same about me. One day I want to have the joy of being a mother. I know I would be a good one. Is it to cliche to picture that happy family? A loving husband and a beautiful baby or two? I guess the closer I get to 30 I want these things so much more. I just have to wait my turn. Maybe one day the right guy will walk into my life for longer than 2 months.

Ugh and even the start or starting another relationship just annoys me. Doesn't go well with the above huh? Being with someone for 5 years you learn every thing about them and you're comfortable in front of them. I hate the awkwardness of a new relationship. Will you be offended by the belch I just let out? How much I swear? If you trip over my shoes? If I made the bed? If I did laundry? If I just farted so bad it smelled like rotten eggs? Or the dump I just left in the john? Laugh, but you know I'm right. I hate that I have to go through all of that again. Sometimes I do wish that things would've worked out. I don't know if it's more for the comfort or how I feel about you. Yes, I still love you and that's understandable. I just honestly don't believe you and I don't think we'll ever be back to that level. I don't trust you and you know this. I question every girl you talk to and I shouldn't have to. It makes us both miserable. There are days that this still bothers me. I don't get what I deserved to have you do this to me. I do get mad and I say bad things about you and yes I do feel bad about it. It just kills me because I wondered why I cared so much to continue to work on a relationship. Hopefully in the end we can just be friends. I wonder if I will ever find that person that just cares about me and only me. Is he out there but hasn't told me? Again, I guess time will tell. And, yes, maybe this is a stupid thing to pine for, but I know everyone secretly pines for that special someone. (and for that supposed "true friend", my ex knows all the things listed in above paragraph. no need to run your shit hole and tell him.)

Year in review for 2010.... and upcoming plans for 2011

Jan/Feb I try to forget about. It was filled with more heart ache and let downs. I couldn't bear to discuss that with people because it was the same old crap I'd been dealing with forever.

March is when Dawn and I had become friends again. I know it was meant to happen because both of us we're going to need each other more than ever. Later that month her grandfather passed away. She was very close to him and it was hard to deal with him being sick when she was across the country. I was glad that I could be there for her in her time of need. She needed her friends to be there for her now more than ever.

April was when I finally came to my senses. I officially broke up with my boyfriend/fiance of five years. Even though I technically count the three weeks prior an actual break up since we never spoke to each other. It was something so hard for me to do and something I just couldn't bear to do. I was always the person that tried to make my relationships work no matter how bad things were. I never want to give up on the person I love. After you've been treated like a nobody and repeatedly been cheated on how can you not move past it? I always tried to fix it and I always tried to be a better person. The thing that took me forever to realize is that I wasn't the person that needed to change. There was nothing wrong with me. I am a good person/girlfriend/friend. It took me a long time to realize that I don't need someone like that in my life. I don't deserve to be treated like that and I definitely don't deserve the pain. Of course as always he wanted me stay because he realized I was such an amazing person. It was too late for me. I just couldn't handle it anymore. The pain and the wondering and the staying up late trying to figure out where he was. I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't take any more of it. The sad thing is, is all the advice I've given over the years to people who have gone through this same thing. I always told them how much better they could do and they didn't deserve this. Why is it so hard to take your own advice? Now I am in a better place and I know I will have that person in my life that sweeps me off my feet day after day.

May/June/July I enjoyed single life the next few months. It was great going out and having fun. Seeing people I hadn't spent time with in forever. I was/am the happiest I had been in a long time. The beginning of July my cousin Tammie got married. I was extremely excited when she had asked me to do her hair. She looked amazing and I am so happy for her.

August I finally graduated. It took me a bit but I finally did it. It was something I needed to do and I am so proud of myself that I made it. Now its time to hurry up and get my license.

Sept/Oct/Nov/Dec More time spent enjoying myself and having fun. Also spent quite a lot of time on the lake with my cousins. It feels good to have them in my life and so close to me again. They mean every thing to me. In mid October my cousin Becky got married. We spent the weekend on the westside of the state. We had a lot of fun. In late October I turned 26. Spent it at home. Wasn't that fun and exciting but I made it another year? Enjoyed the holidays with my family. As always it's nothing but laughs and more good times.

As for 2011 I hope to make myself be a better person and not be Debbie Downer all the time. It's funny because at Christmas my family and I laughed about how I am like that about every thing that is said to me. I'm hoping I can improve that. Mainly because of the people around me I affect by saying such shitty things. I was introduced to a boy. We've been talking for a month now and have had two dates. Things happened and as always I said a lot of stuff I shouldn't have. Mostly because of the way I have been treated by past boyfriends and other men I've been with. I am used to the let down and never speaking to them again. The thing is I need to realize this guy probably is not like that all. Just because I am used to the worst doesn't mean it's going to happen every time. He is absolutely amazing, funny, charming, good looking, kind. I mean my list could go on for days. It's nice to be able to talk to someone and not be bored when you're around them. Its great to actually have a continuing conversation about every thing and any thing. He's absolutely wonderful and I really like him and I'm hoping that I didn't screw this one up at all. We'll see how things go as the days go on.